Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Giam informed me very kindly that i need to update my blog and she of cos oso reminded me that this entry had better not be about me wanting to pee in the middle of class...
Giam, this is for u... i've got a vacation job. My supervisor looks like jay chou... a nerdy version of jay and guess wad? His name is cai yi lin...
Most importantly, i'm not lying!!! ahhaha
YYY
Friday, April 01, 2005
After my grandma passed away, Joy told me something. Different people cope with grief differently... some cope with it ok, some people simply can't cope at all. Well, i guess i'm inbetween.
The grief of my grandma passing away didn't really affect my life like really really badly but i'm not coping with it very well either. I simply refuse to accept the fact that she's now gone. I still go over to her house half expecting her to be sitting right outside her room watching tv, half knowing that she won't be there. I still go into her house's kitchen half expecting to see the big bag of titbits she buys for us JUST IN CASE we go over to see her and half knowing that it can't possibly be there. I still go for high teas with my aunts half expecting to see a very grumpy grandma behind them but the other half of me will then remind me that i'm just being stupid. She can't possibly be there, she should be at home watching tv on her own. She's never liked going out with us anyway.
3 months have passed since she left us. And yet, whenever i hear the song she likes, i can't help it but think of how badly i've treated her in the past. I've always taken her for granted. I don't talk very much to her, don't show up at her house very often, don't even ask my aunt how she's doing sometimes. I always regret knowing that my grandma converted to a christian only when i got to know that she's got cancer. How much do i actually not know about her? I think maybe her neighbours might know more about her than me.
I actually wondered why i took the death of my grandma so badly. Afterall, i was never really very close to her, I was never one of her favourite grandchildren and i was never really one of the few grandchildren she really really dote on. Well, i guess it's because of when she passed away. She's the only grandparent i have who passed away after i got more independence from my mum. When my granddad passed away, i was only 13. I knew nothing much. I couldn't even go to his house as much as i might want to visit him... I needed my mum's permission. I was still young and ignorant. But when the family got to know that my grandma had cancer, i was already 19. I could do whatever i want. If i wanted to go visit her every night, my mum won't say a single thing. I could do whatever i wanted to make sure that i won't regret not doing anything. Well, i obviously didn't do as much as i wanted to.
I still regret not going over to her house to talk to her as often as i could. I still regret not bringing her out for shopping as often as i could. I still regret not going to the hospital often enough to visit her. I still regret not talking to her when i was sitting beside her bed in the hospital. And most of all, i regret not walking into the room to hold her hand when she was looking at me from her bed the day before she passed away. I always thought that i'm not one of those that she would need when she was going through so much pain. All i knew was that i should stay at home and help my mum as much as i could so that she could go over to the hospital to visit my grandma... But now on hindsight, i realised that there were so much more i could do. Why didn't i do them?
Sighz... Well, there's nothing much i can do now yea? She's already gone. I guess i should just slowly accept the fact that everyone will live with regrets in his/her life.
YYY
